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There are a shit-ton of fan fiction cites on the internet. If you Google “Harry Potter Stories” you’ll find a ton of them, with pretty unique parings. Harry-Ginny. Harry-Hermione. Harry-Ron. Harry-Malfory (the hate-fuck series). Harry-Snape. Ginny-Hermione (because everyone loves a little lesbian action). Ron-Hermione. Ron-Ginny (Yuck!). Harry-Hermione-Ginny-Luna (that luckey bastard).

Sometimes it’s hard to find any real news about what Rowling may be releasing, little stories set in the Harry Potter world, to keep the freaks calm. I mean the only really reliable site for non fan-fiction information is Pottermore. Or at least it’s the only place where you can play through the novels…not that I actually do that, being a mature adult I would never…OK I totally do it.

Nope, this isn’t about Harry Potter.

Supernatural & Sherlock both have a LOT of fanfiction as well.

You can tell that most of the fan fiction is written by women. Most straight men aren’t going to write Gay porn & believe me, I have nothing against Gay men but there are NOT that many Gay men out there. Think about it, to match the massive amount of just the Sherlock-Watson erotic parings alone 100% of the world’s Gay population has to be writing Sherlock-Watson erotic fan-fiction.

Only 1.8% of the World’s population is Gay.

That’s compared to the 0.2% that’s Jewish…which anyone that has ever lived in North Park finds instantly suspect? 0.2%? Bull shit, my ass is from North Park, everyone I know is Jewish. After living out there you default to “Happy Hanukkah” & start to wonder why there are so many Christmas decorations in the loop.

1.8% Gay? Nope, I really don’t believe that either. It seems right in Chicago.

Sorry Gay community looking to relocate to my fair city, most of the people in Boys Town are straight. Fair warning. You are only 1.8% of the global population & Boys Town has a fair bit more than 1.8% of Chicago.

That number seems about right in Chicago. It seems FAR too low in Frisco…excuse me “San Fran”…& you can go fuck yourself. Any city that is NOT Rome & wants it’s nickname to only be “the city” can go fuck itself.

It’s the thing about cities. When you talk to people from Chicago you can call it Chi-Town, The Windy City, the Second City, ChIrag, City by the Lake, The Third Coast, ORD, City of Broad Shoulders, & Hog Butcher for the World & all will be accepted without even a roll of the eyes.

We won’t even correct you when you use “the loop” to describe Wrigleyville. Now, we might mug you because you are obviously a tourist & probably carrying a lot of money & cameras & shit, but wont end with a kick to the head & “The Loop is section 32 mother-fucker!”

Because we don’t know where the fuck section 32 is on the map.

With New York, you can call it The Big City, The Big Apple, The Five Boroughs, The Melting Pot, Gotham, Metropolis, the City that Never Sleeps & The Modern Gomorrah. You can also call it by the more pretentious nicknames, The Center of the Universe, The Capital of the World, & The Empire City.

As rude as people are in New York & as quick to violence as we are in Chicago, we accept the fact that all cities have nicknames. In fact the only one that Chicago objects to is “Beantown” for the same reason that people from Boston will reject that particular upstart Chicago nickname.

It’s not a bean, it’s a horribly rendered cloud & fucking having one doesn’t make you “Beantown.” Beantown is on the first coast, we’re on the third coast.

Frisco on the other hand will be incredibly rude if you call it anything but “San Francisco” or “The City.” But they are a part of California & the entire state has forgotten that there are people living East of the Rocky Mountains & West of the Pacific Ocean.

That is where you will find the American’s that will ask: “London, what the fuck is that?”

Holy Fucking Shit, did I digress.

What the fuck was I talking about?

For those of you who have been loyal readers, you clearly understand that I love to jump around & abruptly change subjects, just for the fun of it, & because my original point would only be a paragraph & I feel obligated to at least give you something to read from the Irving Park stop to Adams…but this time I had to scroll up to remember what I was writing my gibberish about.

The Gibberish People are an ancient culture renowned for their slightly confusing architecture & their baked goods.

Right, I was about to make an incredibly immature post about American Politics.

Because, yeah, that never happens.

1.8% Nope, don’t buy it, homosexuality is a crime in certain enormous & enormously populated backwards thinking red-neck fucking countries. Countries that I am too polite to name….

….China, Russia, Texas…

There are a hell of a lot of people in China & not one of them is going to be openly gay for very long.

Nope, don’t panic, the numbers still work. China also has a Great Fire Wall. Clearly more than 1.8% of the male population is Gay (taking China into account) but that clearly doesn’t matter because they clearly aren’t the people writing Sherlock-Watson homo-erotic fan fiction.

It’s women that are writing it, we know this for their lack of childish sound effects.

Well remembered.

There is even fan fiction for bull shit 80s movies that nobody watched but me….well, clearly someone else watched it…but still.

I can promise you that I’m not the one that wrote the erotic fan fiction about The Monster Squad.

That’s not my thing. If I was going to write homo-erotic fan fiction, I’d want to fill a niche that no one really talks about.

I’m thinking more:

The Hall of President’s Series:

An Erotic Journey through the Heart of American Politics

Maybe release one a week, sort of like a television show.

You start off small. The wax presidents come to life in their little hallway in Disney Land. It’s Romantic, they fall in love & then have sex.

Start off pairing up the lesser presidents. Taylor & Hayes, Arthur & Johnson, that sort of thing.

And you build. You have your mid-season climax & the grand finale when you pair up the more popular presidents.

John Adam’s & Thomas Jefferson.

They hated one another for a very, very long time.

So you know, that would have to be really kinky sex. They are hate-fucking.

I’m thinking under those pantaloons they are wearing leather thongs & straps. Handcuffs & chains. Maybe even a riding crop.

I’m thinking old TJ can bend over John’s lap screaming “Spank me harder Mr. Adams! Please spank me harder! I’ve been a bad vice-president Mr. Adams, spank me harder!”

It’s really the more patriotic fan fiction.

Of course you’d have to wait for the grand finale, hint about it through the series & only, at the very end do you pair Lincoln & Washington.

Lincoln-Washington would have to be the long-in-coming, slowly simmering relationship that all you’re readers are dying for. An on & off relationship peppered with domestics that reflect their opposing views towards slavery.

Lincoln ripped off his top-hat & threw it across the oval office, “get over here you beautiful white wigged man & kiss me with those wooden teeth.”

For some reason, there just aren’t that many presidential pairings on fan fiction sites. I can’t figure out why. I mean, we are all waiting for the Reagan-Thatcher-Roosevelt-Churchill cross-over story.

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