“That’s the worst thing that’s happened since pantyhose ruined finger-fucking.”

I forgot the context, but do you know who said that?


United States President Lyndon B. Johnson.

We all have our favorite presidents. Hell, I know people in France who are Kennedy fans &, at least in ’08 I knew Aussies that wanted to come out here to watch Obama win the election. We had one actually come out to Chicago, to sleep on our couch, & be present for the victory over American bigotry….the pyrrhic victory.

I don’t know if he’s still an Obama fan, but for a while that Aussie had a favorite American president. Kennedy is generally #1 across the globe & maybe a few dyed-in-the-cotton Democrats here in the US…Kennedy or Roosevelt. Either Roosevelt, actually, amongst liberals in America, Teddy & Franklin rank are about the same as Lincoln…Teddy.

In America, among the liberals, the ranking goes:

1) Kennedy
2) FDR
3) Jefferson
4) Lincoln
5) Teddy

“It is the common failing of totalitarian regimes that they cannot really understand the nature of our democracy. They mistake dissent for disloyalty. They mistake restlessness for a rejection of policy. They mistake a few committees for a country. They misjudge individual speeches for public policy.”

In conservative America the poll is slightly different:

1) Reagan
2) W. Bush
3) Lincoln
4) Jefferson
5) H.W. Bush

Sometime it’s just a straight sweep:

1) Reagan
2) Reagan
3) Reagan
4) Reagan
5) Reagan

People judge their favorite presidents on, well, politics. If they had a political stance that the individual agrees with, they are the favorite president. Or sometimes, it’s the opposite. Sometimes the president can have a political stance that the individual disagrees with but Fox News tells him to think that Reagan is the best president even while they tell him to hate the people that are doing what Reagan once did and…

…fuck it. That’s way too complicated.

You don’t want to read about politics!

You want to read about finger-fucking.

Everyone want’s to read about finger-fucking.

Pick one, politics or finger-fucking?

Yeah, of course. Good choice, but today we are going to do them both. The way I see it, you can love Kennedy for stopping a nuclear war, or hate him for it…if you’re a conservative. You can love Reagan for going to war with the middle-class in America, or you can hate him for it. You an love FDR for starting a public works program to help unemployed Americans find jobs or you can hate him for it & call it communism…while you’re complaining that the people don’t want to work…& yeah, I don’t really understand that logic & I don’t think they do either & they certainly didn’t understand it back then…when we had better schools…when we actually had schools.

You can look at American politics as divisive & take it seriously or you can throw your hands in the air & say “fuck it! I’m going to be childish & immature.” I’m not going to let politics ruin my Sunday! You can scream it loud & proud! “Fuck you American politics! I’m NOT going to take you seriously today!”

Say it with me:

“Fuck you American politics! I’m NOT going to take you seriously today!”

Very good, one more time:

“Fuck you American politics! I’m NOT going to take you seriously today!”

Let’s change it up a little. “Here is Kurt’s picture of an asshole!”


Good for you.

We’ve certainly had some colorful characters in American politics & to put that under the microscope, to really know how stupid & inane the whole thing can be. To understand the hilarity behind our political system our first stop is the one, the only Lyndon B. Johnson.

LBJ Quotes:

1: “That’s the worst thing that’s happened since pantyhose ruined finger-fucking.”
2: “Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. ”
3. “Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath.”
4. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
5. “I never trust a man unless I’ve got his pecker in my pocket.”
6. “I’m the only president you’ve got.”
7. “If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.'”
8: “It’s probably better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in.”
9: “Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.”
10: “No member of our generation who wasn’t a Communist or a dropout in the thirties is worth a damn. ”
11: “The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton but wouldn’t let them into the family brokerage business.”
12: “The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character. ”
13: “There are no favorites in my office. I treat them all with the same general inconsideration.”
14: “When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.”

He had a way with words didn’t he? But I know, I know, I know. That’s not fair. He’s a liberal. We need to keep things fair & balanced & if I’m going to throw out humorous quotes from a liberal president than I have to do the same with a conservative president.

A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. Ah, those were the days.

I’m going to break the spirit of this post & apologize for a moment. It’s really not fair. Everyone loves the idiot & they don’t come any dumber than Bush. Johnson may be a vulgar man, entertainingly vulgar, but there is no way he can match the brilliance of GWB.

You voted for Gore, but you listened to ALL of Bush’s speeches. You voted for Kerry, but you listened to all of Bush’s speeches. You voted for Bush & you listened to all of Bush’s speeches.

I mean, I absolutely HATED Bush, but I made sure to catch every one of his speeches. I watched him like no other president. I was glued to the TV, to the radio, every time he addressed the nation. You almost had to.

When you are bringing the humor into politics it does not get any better than Bush:

GWB Quotes

1: “I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here.”
2: “Tribal sovereignty means that; it’s sovereign. I mean, you’re a — you’ve been given sovereignty, and you’re viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities.”
3: “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”
4: “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
5: “They misunderestimated me.”
6: “For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.”
7: “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.”
8: “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
9: “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
10: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on –shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”
11: “Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
12: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
13: “You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.”
14: “As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.”

Let’s make a new list America. Let’s start ranking our presidents by sense of humor. Let’s start electing the stupidest, dumbest clueless people we possibly can. It can’t make anything worse & besides, a new list will kill the harsh political divide in this country. Think about it.

1) GWB
2) LBJ
3) Ford
4) Clinton
5) Eisenhower

If you judge presidents on the funny shit that they said, & not on the politics, you have a far more bi-partisan list.


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