The worst part about living with mom & dad again, well, honestly, what is currently the worst part about living with mommy & daddy again is the fact that mom always knows someone that has done what you are trying to do with more difficult circumstances & greater ease.

My little sister does that too.

My little sister knows a man that was recently freed from jail & has no means of transportation, no telephone number, & no address aside from a halfway house that has just landed a full time job as a store manager at a Kohls. If he can get a job there why can’t I? Why won’t they hire you, big brother?

Maybe he got the job because the people at the halfway house set him up with it. I don’t have halfway house setting up jobs for me.

In fact, half the government claims I don’t exist.

Selective Services, the IRS, & Social Security have all acknowledged that I am human & a valid US Citizen.

But the Department of Education & Unemployment both claim that my name & Social Security number are not valid.

Mom knows someone that got fired & started getting unemployment the next day. She can’t see why I’m having such a hard time getting unemployment when she has a friend that got it at the blink of an eye. She’s positive that I am content with having no money because I’m living with her. She is positive that I am actively attempting to NOT receive unemployment insurance because I don’t want to turn any of it over to her. She is convinced that I would rather have no money coming in than give her her fifty-percent for rent.

Meanwhile, in reality, I just spent all day driving between unemployment and social security in an attempt to get unemployment to confirm that I exist.

I drove over to Social Security. They took my IDs, they questioned me. What was my name? What was my date of birth? Where was I born? What was my mother’s maiden name? Social Security was able to confirm that I was alive, well, a citizen of the United States, & very much real. I even had the guy poke me, just so he knew he wasn’t imagining me.

Despite this, they told me it was on me & my four forms of identification to prove to unemployment that I was, real.

My mother can’t understand why I can’t get unemployment, but her friend can.

I drove over to unemployment.

Unemployment was able to find the tax returns I filed from last year, but still insisted that my name & social security number were invalid.

I got irate.

Mom doesn’t understand how I could possibly have a problem getting unemployment when she had a friend that got it so fast & easy.

Meanwhile, in reality, Homeland Security, or rather the outsourced security guard that was contracted to work at the Unemployment office on behalf of Homeland Security, was able to confirm that my Social Security number and name were valid & was even kind enough to report his findings to the people at unemployment that were not able to confirm my name & social security number, but were able to find my tax returns.

I drove back to Social Security, they are only about five-minutes away from one another, just across “Ronald Reagan Highway.” The same highway that starts in Chicago & ends in Yellow Stone National Park.

FYI, if you live in Chicago, there are faster routes you can take to get to Yellow Stone.

I waited in line for Social Security again. Jeff understood what I was waiting on, he offered to call across the street for me & verify that I was at the office of Social Security & that they could confirm that I was real & my name & Social Security Number were as real as my tax returns.

Jeff was speaking to Kathy. He wrote down her first & last name for me.

I drove across the street.

I waited in line again.

I asked for Kathy.

I waited in line some more.

I talked to Kathy.

I gave her my four forms of government issued ID. My Drivers Licenses, my Passport, my Social Security Card, my birth certificate.

I asked Kathy to call Jeff across the street at Social Security.

I asked Kathy to touch me.

Kathy refused to confirm that I wasn’t a figment of her imagination. Kathy was insulted that I suggested that she touch me to make sure that she wasn’t hallucinating me. She didn’t believe me when I told her there was nothing sexual about it. She didn’t care that I didn’t want her to touch me for long. She didn’t want to poke me, she refused to even pinch the material on my shirt.

Kathy thought I was making too big an issue out of the touching thing.

Kathy didn’t want to know if she was imagining me or not.

Kathy didn’t need to call Jeff across the street. Kathy didn’t need to call the hospital I was born in to confirm that my birth certificate was real.

Kathy didn’t want to see the picture I had of my sister & I when we were little.

If the computer said I was not a valid human being than I was not a valid human being, despite what everyone else said.

Kathy refused to touch me.

Kathy said that if I really wanted to, I could fill out another unemployment claim.

So I did, right there in the office. But this time I attached a copy of all my IDs, along with Jeff’s first & last name and his work phone number & the Homeland Security Guards first & last name & work phone number.

Then I had the security guard print out my page & I attached that to my new form.

Then I drove across the street & I waited in line, & I had Jeff print out the screen that told him that I was alive & real. I attached that to my unemployment claim as well.

Then I went to the DMV and got a copy of my driving record & attached that to the form.

Then I went to the Post Office & mailed out a new Unemployment form with all the attachments & photocopies.

Now I am at home.

Mom doesn’t understand why her friend can get unemployment over night but I can’t.

Mom thinks I haven’t bothered to apply for it.

I showed my mother the receipt from the post office.

I gave mom Jeff’s work phone number.

I gave mom Kathy’s work phone number.

I asked mom to touch me.


One thought on “Department of Unemployment Dance

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