My Nephew came by with his mother, my little sister. I have to roll my eyes here. As I write this it’s 11:06, my mom, sister, & nephew are slowly backing out of the drive way to go shopping. They left at 10:30.

This is a game that I am used to. My sister’s car is parked at the far end of the drive way, half on the pavement, half on the grass & at an angle that promises that she will back over a lot more of the grass on her way out. It’s ass is hanging over the sidewalk so pedestrians have to walk out into the street to get around it.

I would love to re-park it for her. But she drives a BMW & I’m not allowed to touch it. Grant you, it’s sort of a piece-of-shit used BMW, which is why they took my mother’s Toyota, but it’s still her status symbol. One that she paid too much for, one that was already driven into the ground long before she got it.

For the price she paid to buy it, she could have got a better Toyota or Honda, for the price she has paid to fix it, she probably could have saved up & brought a Prius. So I can’t touch it, even when I watch them do the parking game.

I once screamed at them. It was over the holidays when they picked me up at my apartment & drove into the loop to see the lights & the tree & what should still be the Marshall Fields windows. They could have parked an aircraft carrier into the open space between two cars but yet couldn’t figure out how to get mom’s little Toyota into that mile long strip.

It was one of those situations where they didn’t need my advice. They could parallel park on their own.

That proved to be a load of bull shit.

What you do, is pull up to the lead car, stop right around it’s front wheels, put your car into reverse, turn the steering wheel, & back cleanly into the fucking spot. It’s really not a hard thing to do & it makes me wonder what my mom did all those years when she was actually living in Chicago.

Not that they could do it. They didn’t even want to hear me, someone that didn’t even own a car, tell them how to park. We moved to the burbs my last three years of high school. I bought car because you need one in the burbs & then at eighteen I moved to the city again & traded it for a a bag of….well…mom & little sister didn’t want to hear how to parallel park from a guy that hadn’t owned a car in a decade.

I can still parallel park. I did it with the $1,000 SUV I brought when I moved back to the burbs to save a few dollars.

Occasionally I’ll have problems with it. Sometimes my mind just isn’t working, sometimes I’m trying to get into a space that I probably shouldn’t. But when they were parking, it was in one of the tourist parking spots off Michigan Avenue. One of the spots that rape you in their hourly fees. One of the spots that are made for suburbanites like them. One of the spots you could park a boat it.

So yeah. The car game.

Neither mom nor my little sister are able to back the car out of the garage when there is another car anywhere in the driveway. I mean ANYWHERE in the driveway. Mom will back out, stop and then move back into the garage. My sister will leave, back her car as far to the end of the townhouse drive way-parking lot as humanly possible, then get back into mom’s car.

Mom will try to back out again. And then stop. Then little sister will move her car as back as possible and as far onto the grass as possible.

This will continue for some time.

Any normal person would be able to back out of the garage. I swear to God. Any normal person could do that. When they are playing this game my sister’s car is five miles down the drive way. My sister’s car isn’t in Illinois, it’s parked in North Dakota & they still have an issue getting around it.

Part of me thinks its because women are incapable of operating a car in reverse.

Most of the women I know in Chicago own a car. It’s because most women would rather circle around for an hour as they look for a parking spot as opposed to standing on an L-platform for five minutes while they wait for a train, or on a street corner for ten minutes. Men can do that, men can take public transportation, women have issue with it.

These women, they are fine when they are driving forward in the city. But when they have to back up, when they have to operate a car that is in reverse all intelligence & common sense vanishes.

So there it is. The car game.


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