When my father was in elementary school, Pangaea didn’t exist. No, that’s not exactly true, when he was a little kid, Pangaea was pseudoscience. It was the dinosaur equivalent of Ancient Aliens…except, you know, unlike Ancient Aliens, it wasn’t entirely bull shit and bataliens.


It has always irritated me, the concept that history is a humanity, sometimes a philosophy degree, but rarely a social science degree. It is like academia, and the general public are doing their level best to simply destroy the academic part of history. What, I think, they are attempting to do is lump the subject into the bull shit majors that idiots end up going to college for. They are attempting to lump it into the Business, Communications, Human Resources, & Marketing majors. The idiot majors, the majors that require a Forrest Gump level I.Q.

If you look at what history is, in practice, it seems a lot more like an actual science then sociology & economics. I mean, you do have to understand economics if you’re getting a history degree. You have to understand the difference between a Bull & a Bear Market, you have to have read Adam Smith & Karl Marx & understand John Maynard Keynes. But unlike economics, historians have to also understand what the economic policies do to society & how society can effect economic policies.

There’s my middle finger to economics. Because economics doesn’t take society into account, or history. A historian can tell you that the economic policy the Libertarians are pushing for won’t work because it hasn’t worked the last three times it was attempted in the world. In economics, in the practice of, things are done in a bubble. Plans are made & tested in the world of theory & history & the past events are not taken into account. That’s why they never seem to work. Historians don’t come up with the economic magic, but they do study the real world effects the policies has when they are enacted & what caused the rift between the policy & real world.

To me, history is more like a science than economics. In history you have your test group but you also have your control group. In economics all you have is your test group, no control, & don’t check your work back to the real world examples. If economics checked its work against the real world results, or at least the real world results of what came close to the theory, the world would be a lot better off.

Historians, they can actually prove things. History can prove a lot. History can solve mysteries. It doesn’t take much to do it either. Sometimes all it takes in a penny.

History is more of a science than people think. And less. I mean, you have to understand a lot about geology, economics, philosophy, religion, botany, agriculture, biology, sociology, psychology, & anthropology, if you are going to major in history & actually understand what is happening & why. But you also need a little genetics, a little chemistry, a little art, a little pedology, a little dendrology & a shit ton of etymology. Without all of that you’re going to be left in the dark.

It really pays off if you can identify iron in a rock & know how to extract it, it also pays off if you know how to make gunpowder. It helps if you can tell a male from a female skeleton, or an African from an Asian skull. All of that gets real useful when you study history. Especially when you need to know why a stretch of land was so important or why a Chinese general would go out of his way to rescue pigs.

Just like your hard sciences, history changes every seven years.

That change is the kicker.

That change is generally where the awesome fun parts of history are.

That’s when stops being a chore & turns into fun. What’s where the real magic is.

We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic

When I was a kid, we killed off the neanderthals. Today its looking like we fucked them out of existence. It’s not exactly according to Hoyle yet, but we are essentially there. Interbreeding with neanderthals is no longer pseudoscience, the hard evidence is there. Sure, you don’t exactly need to understand genetics to get why the hard evidence makes a lot of sense, but if you understand it enough to know the genetic variations between a chihuahua & a wolf, or between man & a chimp, it does sort of make the evidence overwhelming when you think about how much neanderthal genetics is in your average European.

If you don’t know the genetic variance between a man & a chimp or a chihuahua & a wolf, than the scientific evidence is tragically under-whelming.

But it is honestly awesome. Very awesome that we fucked Neanderthals into our gene-pool rather than prehistory genocide that everyone believed to be fact up until, what, 2003? 2005? It really hasn’t been that long at all & it wasn’t into 2010 that the whole pseudoscience label was completely dropped from the neanderthal sex theory.

At the moment, well, at the moment, the first Americans still came from Asia over that land-bridge & slowly populated the New World.

But that’s only for the moment.

In the years that follow we are going to be proving that they came to America a lot sooner from Europe, & were probably killed off by the weather. The circumstantial evidence to rewrite the land-bridge theory is certainly there & it is becoming less & less circumstantial every day. All it takes is one bone, just one human bone, a femur, a skull, or maybe not even a bone, all we need is the right coprolite to prove that there is more to the theory than just circumstantial evidence.

I mean, it was a single coprolite that proved that the Anasazi, formerly the Pueblo Indians were cannibals. That does explain why most of the surrounding tribes kind of hated them.

When it comes to history, the devil is in the details. It’s like a court case, sure, but just as much like a science.

When I was in elementary school, the Norse in America was just a theory based on the circumstantial evidence of their sagas. It’s the bull shit that people label the Bible, but then, eventually, we did find Jericho, Sodom, & Gomorrah didn’t we?

Eventually it was a single penny found in Maine, from king Olaf II that brought the first proof. Now it’s no longer a theory, because of a penny, we know beyond a doubt that the Vikings were in North America. One penny, one femur, one coprolite, one piece of fossilized shit will prove a theory is a fact.

The Seven Pagoda, that used to be a magic number. Thanks to the Boxing Day Tsunami, historians are starting to think that the Seven Pagoda was one of seven. That’s pretty interesting.

The Boxing Day Tsunami is proving that civilization in India is possibly ten thousand years old. Ten-thousand-years because some historians understand geology & the ones that don’t understand a little geology are fighting that fate. But that means, the cities under the water that the Tsunami found, that means that human civilization is five-thousand-years older than we had thought it was.

That would certainly clear up a lot of questions about ancient history, that would make a lot of sense. That would put a lot of debate to rest.

But there’s more, I mean, we already found Troy. We proved that the Iliad was based on fact. For want of a penny we cannot prove that Minoa was Atlantis. That’s all, we don’t have the penny that is the proof yet. But one penny, one penny can prove Atlantis.

For want of a penny. One penny, one coprolite, one femur, one piece of fossilized shit, & we know exactly where Atlantis was. One penny will solve a mystery that has been around since 360 BC.


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