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I met someone new.  Yay!  But don’t get too excited, it won’t last; I still have a shit job & haven’t exactly saved enough to support myself.  At this job, it probably won’t happen, which means I still have the stink of loser on me.  It won’t be long until she trades me in for a luxury model.  But you never know, she is just about as under employed as I am.

But that being the case, we’re going to talk about women.  Or at least what men, or maybe what I look for in women.  I’ll tell you right now, when I picked her up, it was because of how she was dressed.  Casual and effortless; she was wearing clothes that screamed laid back, she looked like she was more concerned about having fun than about dressing to impress.  For me that is a big plus, it means she’ll be easy to deal with & I’m looking for an actual relationship.  Relationship me has completely different priorities than the me that is looking for something fast & singular.  That’s just how it goes.

Let’s start with the shoes.  They don’t matter, but she was wearing fuck-me boots.  Men notice fuck-me boots.  In fact, fuck-me boots are the ONLY shoes that men notice.  No, that’s not true, we notice all those other boots that look ridiculous, they aren’t cute, we’ll tell you we like them, but ultimately just dismiss them as cartoonish.  But fuck-me boots we notice, mainly because we imagine them wrapped around us.  It’s something that works better in the imagination than in reality.  In reality they get in the way of long smooth legs, but that doesn’t stop us from noticing.  Anything else we just ignore.  So you really don’t have to put too much money into shoes.  We don’t care about them, we don’t notice them.  That’s just how it goes; ultimately, when women buy shoes, they are buying them for other women to notice.

Now let’s go to make up.  Men notice lipstick.  We notice lipstick because we imagine lips wrapped around something.  Outside of that, we really only notice make-up when women wear too much of it.  Too much make-up screams STD.  Hate to tell you this, but everything outside of lipstick is like shoes.  Men don’t notice it.  Ultimately eye-shadow & what not, you are either doing it for yourself or other women.

For the full bodied women, don’t try to wear the types of clothes that slim women wear, not if you don’t want men to avoid you.  Clothes are made for certain body types, they may come in different sizes, but it’s pretty obvious what type of body they are made for.  When a fat women wiggles into spandex, it doesn’t make her look thinner, it just makes her look wrong.  Men like me, who normally would approach a heavier women if she seems like the type of person I’d be interested in will not approach her if she’s trying to dress like a slimmer woman.  It’s just too much.

Now we do notice hair.  At least I do.  Pony tails that are too tight are an instant turn off.  When I see hair like that I think “up tight.”  I think “militant dominatrix.”  Pony tails are super cute, but tight hair is a turn off.  We like to think about running our fingers through it.  Short hair is fine, in fact, it screams laid back if it’s done right, or “intellectual.”  Believe it or not, an “intellectual” look is a big turn on.  Relationship me is looking for a girl with a head on her shoulders.  I want to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with a girl, especially if I’m planning to keep her around & short hair does give off that look.

Now let’s move on to the more embarrassing conversation.  Your pubic hair, keep it shaved, bald is best.  I’ve heard more than a few women talk about a shaved perennial region & the male pedophilic fantasies.  Pedophilia really has nothing to do with it.  Men are tactile, we like shaved legs because we like to run our hands over your smooth skin.    When it comes to pubic hair, & we see a jungle, it’s not attractive.  The first thing we thing about is getting a mouth full of hair when we perform oral sex.  It turns it into a chore; we look at pubic hair & think about the one biggest down side to oral sex.  Now, conversely, when it is shaved it looks clean, there is no hair ergo there is no way we will get that hair stuck between our teeth or on our tongue, or in our mouth.  Shaved means that the number one reason men don’t like to give oral sex is gone.  It is no longer a chore, no longer something we have to do out of obligation because we love you & want to make you happy.  A bald perennial region ultimately means you’ll get more oral sex.   Pure and simple.  We don’t really object to oral sex & when the hair is gone you’ll find that area getting a lot more attention.

You can ask us to do the same, most of us will really only keep ours trimmed down, men are reluctant to shave it off, we don’t fancy the idea of a razor blade on our balls.  Sorry about that, & chemicals are usually out of the question there.  But most of us have little objection to getting rid of as much of that mess as possible to make your job more convenient.

Now lets get into the psyche, there are some enormous differences there.  The first is bitching.  When men bitch about work, about friends, about family, about anything, we are looking for feedback.  We are looking for an outside opinion.  We want to hear what you have to say about the topic.  A lot of men aren’t well trained in this & when women do it, they don’t realize that you just want us to listen.  Don’t get frustrated when men try to solve the problem, they honestly believe that you are bringing it up because you want advice.  We aren’t trying to control you or protect you & we certainly don’t believe that you cannot manage the problem by yourself.  When men give advice when you just want them to listen & be sympathetic, they are treating you like they would treat another man, like they would treat one of your best friends.

Now for emotions.  As Hermoine Granger pointed out, we have the emotional range of a tea spoon.  We generally only have one at a time & most of us only have them for a little while.  That’s mainly the reason why men don’t hold grudges.  We really don’t understand what you are feeling & what you are going through.  You have to spell it out for us.  Now, oddly enough, submissive women, like my ex-girlfriend, they do a really good job of that.  But most women are as perplexed by our lack of emotion as we are by your emotions.  Over the years I’ve learned to fake it & just act like I understand, but I don’t, I have no idea how women can hold multiple emotions about the same thing all at once.

Illness, sickness, men are fucking babies.  You can put us in great physical pain & we can shrug it off, but once we get sick, well, we cave.  I’m so fucking sorry.  I’ve tried to correct this in myself, to be more like a woman when I get sick, but I always fail horribly.  The fact is that women handle illness 100% better than men do.  So yes, we are being babies.  Please act accordingly, it’s really the only time we want you to turn a sympathetic ear & just listen.  We are total babies when we get sick & I am sorry about that.

Focus.  Men are the dominate sex.  I’m sorry to say that, but, as a historian, women’s liberation only is possible with technology.  If you strip that away & go back to the wild, women will still need men to protect them.  I only mention this because of focus.  We have stronger bodies, we’re made to hunt & stalk.  Because of this, when it comes to certain things, we can’t divide our attention & multi task like women can.  So when it comes to certain things, we aren’t ignoring you, we really aren’t, or at least we don’t mean to, we just are unable to divide our thoughts like you are.  The little Jewish girl I dated understood this completely, but most of my girlfriends didn’t, there was less fights with her over some things just because she understood that male focus worked differently than hers.  But let’s be honest, that girl was fucking brilliant, I’m sorry I lost her.

And that brings us to intelligent, this will be hit & miss with some men.  Now I like submissives, I think that BDSM relationship can be a lot of fun, but there is a time & a place, & submissives tend to know how to walk that line.   What I really love are intelligent women, women that will put up a good intellectual fight with me.  This, to me at least, is awesome.  If a women stands her ground intellectually & can tell me that I am wrong & why, that is a major turn on.  On the other side, women that play stupid are a major turn off.  A major turn off.  There is a line between smart & bitchy & smart people know where it is when they argue about the esoteric.  Women that can do that are awesome.  The problem is, a heck of a lot of women either, honestly don’t pay attention to either politics or the more intellectual parts of life, or they simply don’t want to push their opinion on their boyfriends.  If you have an opposing view, state it, it means you have a head on your shoulder.

I’d bring up underwear, but that’s a fraud.  Any man that has ever lived with a woman knows she has the comfortable undies & the undies she wears for you.  Men like thongs, but there’s a reason we don’t wear them ourselves, we’re not about to put on anything that looks that uncomfortable & honestly, by the time we see the comfortable underwear, your mission has already been accomplished.    So kudos for wearing the uncomfortable shit for us, we like it, but you probably don’t have to do it.  Underwear is not a game changer.

Perfume, however, is a game changer.  Sometimes I’ll notice it & think it smells nice, some women pick a good fragrance that really works with them.  Some, however, just wear too much.  Sometimes it gets suffocating.  I really don’t want to be in a car or even too close to a woman that is wearing perfume that makes me feel like I can’t breathe.  Guys do this too, I have a couple of buddies that I never go anywhere with that they think has the possibility of meeting women.  They layer on the cologne.  I can’t breathe around them, it is horrible.  I hate to admit it, but I have been superficial enough to break up with a girl that wore perfume that I found suffocating.  I just couldn’t stand being around her.

Alcohol affects men far different than it does women.  If you match a man drink for drink, by the time we’re a little buzzed, you’re probably shit faced.  Sloppy drunk is not something I’m about to sleep with & for some reason girlfriends can get pretty sexually demanding when they are sloppy drunk.  Keep in mind, sloppy drunk doesn’t bother us, we’re glad you’re having fun, but honestly, by the time you get to that point, our interest in sleeping with you is gone.  Just accept it & have a good time.  Drugs, however, are different.  I don’t really do them any longer, not since college.  But if you want to, most men aren’t really going to object.  That’s just the way it goes.  Drugs have a different affect, an affect that isn’t as horrible as sloppy drunk.  If they were legal, I might do them with you, but the risk, for me, just isn’t worth it.

Honestly, men can’t read minds.  We don’t have the slightest idea of what you are thinking or what you are feeling.  Sorry, but you will have to tell us.    I’ve been in trouble with girlfriends & didn’t have the slightest clue why, in that situation an arbitrary apology doesn’t work & only makes women more angry.  If we look confused it’s because we honestly don’t know what we did to make you angry & unless you tell us there is no way we are going to find out.  What generally happens is we assume that you are mad over nothing & that gets irritating, it causes a bigger fight because now we are angry because you won’t tell us what is going on & you get more angry because we are assuming you are mad for no reason.  It turns into a vicious circle.  Don’t expect us to know why you are mad at us, you have to tell us & tell us soon, if you let it linger too long then we won’t be honestly sorry, we’ll be mad & not give a fuck about whatever it is, justified or not, the guessing game will have already ticked us off to the point that we don’t care what we may have done.  Sorry, you should have told us before you made us play the guessing game.

As far as sex goes, let us know.  For men, it’s a serious victory when we bring you to orgasm.  It honestly is.  Yes, mission accomplished, I did that.  This applies especially to oral sex.  Let us know what you want us to do.  Women can bring themselves to orgasm faster than men can bring them to orgasm.  We want to know that little secrete that you use on yourself so that we can do it as often as possible.  If you want to try something new, please bring it up, because we want to as well, but there is really little chance we’ll broach that subject, on average.  We don’t want to frighten women off & we think you are more skittish on the subject than we are.  With most men, if you want something different & something kinky, you will have to tell us.  We won’t object, by & large we’ll breathe a sigh of relief.  So long as it involves sex you probably won’t hear a guy complain.

All in all, you will have to keep us informed, we can’t read your mind & we don’t comprehend your emotional range.  Please don’t expect us to.  Beyond that, don’t worry too much about how you dress & don’t spend too much money on it.  Most of what you do to make yourself attractive to a man we really don’t care about.  We don’t care what shoes you are wearing, even if they are the ridiculous boots that are so popular these days.    Look at the 1990s if you want proof of this, everyone dressed like shit & women still picked up men, its because women are still attractive even in a baby-doll, Doc Martins, & a flannel.

 

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