Sit down son, we need to talk about the rules.

Shit.  What did I do this time?  Listen P-Dogs, I understand I’m not an easy person to live with, my ex-girlfriends have made that abundantly clear time & again, but compared to you guys I’m a walk in the fucking park.

I understand I was on the couch, but I’m not a dog & I’m not a child any longer, normal people let their children use the furniture in the common rooms.  I’m not joking here.  My mother had pretty severe OCD & there are more than a few rules that I have forgotten over time.  But still, their house their rules.  I’m just grateful to be here & not out on the street.

Growing up in this family was like growing up with Detective Monk as a mother.  I know I cannot remember all the rules, but I did violate the reading material rule today.  I had accidentally left Riding the Rap on the back of the toilet & Archeology Magazine on the kitchen island today.  Have you ever seen the Rain Man?  You know that part when Dustin Hoffman starts screaming because he’s scared of airplanes?  It kind of went down like that.  I had seriously crossed a line there.

1) Do not leave reading material around the house.  This has always been a big no-no.  Books, magazines, & newspapers have their place & cannot be stored anywhere else.  You can not leave them in the bathroom, on the coffee table, on a nightstand by the bed, on the island in the kitchen, or anywhere that is not a bookshelf, even if it is a book that you are in the process of reading but have set down to check on the laundry.

2) Stay off the furniture in the living room, it is reserved for mother & guests only.  Children & spouses can sit on the floor.

3) Make sure to segregate bathroom towels by gender when putting them in the laundry room.  It is indecent to shower with the opposite sex & therefore  indecent to store the bathroom towels together.

4) Do not boil water, microwave it.  When I use the teapot to boil water I somehow melt the wooden cabinets, when mother does it the cabinets do not melt.  It’s a law of physics that only those with OCD understand.

5) Vacuum each stair four times, once vertically & once horizontally on the way down & once vertically & once horizontally on the way up.

6) No matter how nice a bed may look it is not made until it has a military tuck.  Sometimes a quarter will be bounced to assure the work is done properly.

7) Only dust with lemon pledge in a counter-clockwise motion.  Actually, don’t dust at all, you’re not doing it right.  Don’t do the floors either.

8) All women’s pants including jeans should have a crease in them.

9) The vacuum cleaner should only be moved one inch per second otherwise it doesn’t have time to suck

10) The entire house needs to be vacuumed, dusted, & scrubbed once a day, even if you were gone all day.

11) Everything should always be placed at a right angle.

12) the back two legs of chairs should line up with the crease on the tile in the kitchen.

13) the painting of the fat woman with the hairy pits in the bathroom is to be removed when you shower & replaced once you are through.

14) The bathtub has to be scrubbed with comet after every shower, the sink has to be scrubbed with a water & bleach combination after you brush your teeth to prevent the spread of germs.

15) Coffee pots are strictly forbidden, if you must drink coffee it has to be of the instant variety.

My old fiancee would get pissed at me because I’d vacuum & dust our apartment every day when I got home, it drove her in sane.  The first three apartments I rented after moving out of mom & dad’s house looked like hospitals they were so clean.  Over the years I slowly broke myself of the habit & gradually turned into a normal human being.  Not a pig, but certainly someone that cold go a week before cleaning the bathtub & could do laundry by color instead of several different arbitrary categories.

I forgot most of the rules, there were literally hundreds growing up, but some I still remember.  I was asked the other day why I was microwaving the tea water rather than using the kettle & made the mistake of answering honestly.  You never want to give a clear answer in these situations, a clear answer could bring back the OCD regulation that had been forgotten about in the past.   It’s best to just shrug & play stupid.

The plus side to growing up in this environment & then living by yourself is that it turns you into a super clean & orderly individual through force of fucking habit.  But one of the down sides are the fact that you tend to hide & create disorder in certain personal areas.  Sure, you’re bedroom & your apartment might be spotless but your car’s a fucking mess & even when you’re living alone sometimes you go outside to smoke in your mess of a car, listen to the radio, & bask in the chaos around you.

It also makes you a lot more tolerant of other people’s quirks.  Sure there are still quirks that piss you off, top on the list is watching my father type…it’s just so fucking slow & he only uses his index fingers…by his age he should know QWERTY like the back of his hand.  Mom does & she’s a hell of a lot less computer literate than dad.  Anyway, most of the time, especially when you’re dating a chick that has an odd tick or personal habit it’s a walk in the fucking park compared to my mother.

Yeah, now I remember why I hated my childhood.  I need to find a new job & fast, I’m too old for this shit.


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