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I hate the application process, it’s a humiliating thing to go through, especially when you have a masters degree, over a decade of retail experience & you are deemed under-qualified to ring up groceries at a supermarket.  Thank you, no, we would rather hire that hairy guy over there that throws his own shit.  What we are really trying to tell you is that we think an ape is a better candidate than you are, don’t take it personally, but the ape has less work experience, can’t speak, doesn’t wear clothes, obviously he’s more qualified than you are.

One of the big problems here is the Pre-Employment quiz, that tends to be the reason why the apes get the online jobs so easily & the rest of us don’t even get a phone call.

Don’t feel bad, the heads of the companies you are applying to believe that a psychological test taken over the internet is the best way to see if you, as an individual, are worth hiring.  It’s really all bull shit, money saving bull shit, but bull shit that still works well to make sure that companies only get the idiots their jobs & you are still fighting to find work.  So it goes.

But this is the type of thing that I love to hate.  I’m brutally against psychology, mainly because it calls itself a science.  I have taken many psychology classes in my quest for an M.Ed & I took a fair few sciences classes on my quest for an education in general.  I can promise you that psychology is not a science, it’s bull shit.  Even in history, which is classified as a humanities subject, there are stone cold facts that you cannot deny, facts that are indisputable no matter what the circumstance.

Rome fell.  Thomas Jefferson is dead.  The pyramids are still standing.

You don’t have these facts in psychology.  You can argue every wrong answer you ever get on the basis that the rule you couldn’t remember is not always the rule & that the laws they are applying to diagnose people aren’t laws at all but loose guidelines that are interpreted as laws by the people that made them.

Don’t take my word for it, you are a sane & intelligent individual, find out for yourself.  Pick up the DSM-IV & flip through it a bit, it shouldn’t shock you to find out that you have hundreds of mental disorders in which you need to be locked away for the rest of your life…& here you thought you were so well adjusted.

No, you are actually fine, it’s just that the psychologists who gauge how well balanced humans actually are are probably far crazier than the average man & those are the people that determine if you should get hired at the place where you are applying.

There are right and wrong answers.

I like to be alone. (False)
I don’t mind being the center of attention. (True)
I like going to big events with large crowds. (True)

They are judging if you are an introvert or an extrovert, so even if you feel uncomfortable talking to large groups & you don’t mind some down time curled up with a good book, please don;t be honest about it.  The people that are judging if you are sane enough to get a job think people that would appreciate a little alone time are fucking nuts & incapable of ready employment.

I take frequent breaks while working. (False)

I tend to find more to do when I’m done working. (True)

I don’t need a lot of direct supervision. (True)

I work best under direct supervision. (False)

Please remember that these same people that are judging if you are fit for the job also want a fully trained slave.  Remember to always answer in the affirmative if you are asked a question that implies you should work harder & negative to a question that implies you might occasionally need help, training, or a break.  None of these things are what natural human beings need.  You are a robot that knows everything & if you don’t believe that than you are too crazy to hold a job.

OK, here’s one more tip, you’ve probably caused some trouble in your youth & most likely you know someone who has stolen something, a high school friend, a wayward uncle, an ex-boyfriend.  Lie, if you don’t lie they will think you are a danger to society.

And the last tip, this is America, we are composed of fanatics that only believe in extremes.  If you get a test that has the degrees in which you feel one way or the other, ALWAYS answer in the extreme.  Because if you don’t have the zealous fanaticism of a goose stepping Nazi that is willing to commit genocide & wipe the world clean of the Jews, then the computer that scores your test is going to determine that you are fucking nuts.

So remember, lies are truth, you won’t need to be trained for anything, you don’t need to be supervised but you love bowing to authority & if you are not extreme in everything that you do than the computer is going to determine that you are too crazy to work.

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